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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMMY

[23:01] <Dean^Winchester> I'm not a 80's hooker
[23:01] <Sam^Winchester> I think the brick pants and cowboy shoot tell a different story
[23:01] <Sam^Winchester> I call it "The Jensen Ackles is an 80s Hooker Story"
[23:01] <Sam^Winchester> It's a Lifetime movie.
[23:02] <Rose> .... Sam I will damn near /pay/ you to write that story. Especially if it's written ala lifetime movie


Jensen Ackles had never wanted to be a hooker.

But it was a hard life, out on the streets. He had fallen in with some bad crowds. He had done some drugs. And now he needed money, and he needed it fast.

"No Jensen," said his sister, "you cannot be a hooker think of our family."

"I have to, Mac!" said Jensen. "Don't even think of stopping me! It is important to me."

"But mother would be heartbroken oh Jen no Jen no."

"This ass was made for selling, Mac," he said, sighing with the weight of many tons of sorrow. "There is nothing you or I can do to stop this."

"It is hard living in 1986 and owning brick pants," said Mac. She started to cry.

It was indeed very hard living in 1986 and owning brick pants.

*

"You have to shake what god gave you," said Misha. Misha was kind of Jensen's hooker mentor. He understood how hard it is to be was to be pretty and have weird highlights.

Jensen shook his lips.

"Huh," said Misha. "I guess that only words if you actually have a cock in them."

Jensen was fairly sure that didn't really work either, but Misha had been hooking a lot longer than him.

*

"Hey, baby, how much for the night?" asked the ridiculously tall man in the ridiculously long limo.

Jensen froze. Could this be it? The time when he finally proved himself to be a totally awesome eighties hooker, capable of picking up gay men who liked twinks in brick pants?

"Why don't we talk about it inside, big boy?" he asked.

"Come in," said the tall man in a low, seductive voice.

Jensen came in.

It was super hot.

*

"You are too pretty to be a hooker," said Jared, the tall man with the limo.

They had just hot hot, steamy, hooker sex.

"I'm to pretty not to be a hooker," said Jensen. "My ass is both a blessing and a curse."

Jared squeezed it. "To me, it is only a blessing."

Jensen had to admit the truthiness of this statement.

"Jensen," said Jared. "I have fallen in love with you, and your tales of your street urchin family, who have fallen on hard times, forcing you to sell yourself on the street."

"This is awkward," said Jensen. "As a hooker, I don't believe in emotional attachments."

"How about sugar daddies? Do you believe in sugar daddies?"

"Yes I do," said Jensen.

"Hot damn. Let us commemorate this occasion with ass fucking."

"Will you pay me?"

"Yes, that is how sugar daddies work. Do you need a diagram?"

"That might be helpful."

Jared drew Jensen a diagram explaining sugar daddies.

It was super hot.

*

"Jared," said Jensen. "I cannot believe you selflessly rescued me and my lovable but dirty family from a life of poverty."

"I did," agrees Jared. "I got nothing from that deal except for hot sex whenever I want."

"I have realized these feelings in my chest might be love."

"We had a big lunch. Are you sure it's not heartburn?"

"I took some Tums and it's still going."

Jared nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like love. But I thought hookers didn't feel love?"

Jensen's eyes shone with many emotions. "Maybe I'm not really a hooker after all."

"Oh Jensen!" said Jared. His eyes also shone with many emotions. It was a time of much feeling. "Can we now kiss?"

"Yes," said Jensen. "The spell of eighties hookerdom has been broken and I am free."

They kissed.

It was super hot.

"Can I burn your brick pants?" asked Jared.

"No," said Jensen. "I will cherish them forever."

"I guess that is okay too," said Jared.


THE END.

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Comments

( 99 comments — Leave a comment )
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<<[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] >>
juice817
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:28 am (UTC)
ROFLMAO!

BURN THE BRICK PANTS, JARED. SERIOUSLY.
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:59 am (UTC)
Seriously, Jared, for the good of mankind.
rsadelle
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:29 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love that he had to draw him a diagram.
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:59 am (UTC)
Sugar daddying is complicated.
ms_soma
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:29 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! love it! and that you managed to get the word truthiness in there too... just awesome!
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:59 am (UTC)
It seemed important to have!
xriotfallingx
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:29 am (UTC)
Oh Jesus it burns. I'm laughing my ass off and it BURNSSSS
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC)
That's how you know it's working!
sadcypress
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:29 am (UTC)
THIS IS WHAT I GET IN RETURN FOR BEING AT MY COMPUTER ON SATURDAY NIGHT.

BLESSING? CURSE?

THE WORLD WILL NEVER KNOW.

And it was super hot.
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC)
I HOPE YOU HAVE LEARNED A LESSON
(no subject) - sadcypress - Jan. 18th, 2009 05:07 am (UTC) - Expand
rhymed
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:29 am (UTC)
..........................................you are my favourite forever and always.
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC)
Yes I am.
(Deleted comment)
clex_monkie89
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:31 am (UTC)
HEE!

"This is awkward," said Jensen. "As a hooker, I don't believe in emotional attachments."

I need that on an icon. Yesterday.
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC)
It's tough being an 80s hooker.
(no subject) - clex_monkie89 - Jan. 18th, 2009 05:03 am (UTC) - Expand
jerkchester
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:33 am (UTC)
I AM CRYING. I think. I can't remember my icon keywords.
shuts_cakehole
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:34 am (UTC)
YOU ARE NOT

COME ON DEAN BRING THE SINGLE TEAR
(no subject) - jerkchester - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:35 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shuts_cakehole - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:36 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jerkchester - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:37 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shuts_cakehole - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:39 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jerkchester - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:40 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shuts_cakehole - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:47 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jerkchester - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:48 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shuts_cakehole - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:51 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jerkchester - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:52 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shuts_cakehole - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:58 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jerkchester - Jan. 18th, 2009 04:58 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shuts_cakehole - Jan. 18th, 2009 05:03 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jerkchester - Jan. 18th, 2009 05:05 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shuts_cakehole - Jan. 18th, 2009 05:06 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jerkchester - Jan. 18th, 2009 05:08 am (UTC) - Expand
waterofthemoon
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:37 am (UTC)
HOMG that was sooooo hott. sequal soon??? :D

(Seriously, I laughed so hard. POOR EIGHTIES HOOKER JENSEN.)
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:01 am (UTC)
in the sequel they adopt BABIES

from the streets

to save them from hooking

misha helps
(no subject) - waterofthemoon - Jan. 18th, 2009 05:19 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:01 am (UTC)
:D
diner
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:49 am (UTC)
The sexual beauty and gloriousness combined with the sweetness and utter intelligence of the dialogue brought me to my knees. Fabulous encapsulation of the amazingness that is Jared and Jensen.
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:01 am (UTC)
I am deep and meaningful.
(no subject) - diner - Jan. 18th, 2009 05:02 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - longsufferingly - Jan. 18th, 2009 05:04 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - diner - Jan. 18th, 2009 05:05 am (UTC) - Expand
pharaohwantmilk
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:50 am (UTC)
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS PURE AND UNSULLIED BY HOOKERDOM
longsufferingly
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:01 am (UTC)
I AM GLAD TO HEAR THIS
earthquakedream
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:05 am (UTC)
AHAHAHA CRACK KILLS. *ded of laughter*
tyelar_fawkes
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:51 am (UTC)
*dies laughing* I'm going to build a shrine to you. A GIANT SHRINE TO YOUR AWESOMENESS! *nods*
essene
Jan. 18th, 2009 05:55 am (UTC)
*giggles non-stop*

Those brick pants truly are awful and you have done justice to them in your awful hooker!fic.

*bows in deference*
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( 99 comments — Leave a comment )