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Jun. 2nd, 2009

So I started writing this after When the Levee Breaks and then my internet was screwed to all hell and I totally forgot about it until my friend recurrence told me she was watching Bones.

So, this takes place after The Rapture but has spoilers for the whole season. That was a lot of confusion. Whatever.

Sweets/Castiel, Sam/Dean, follows So Totally Canon
980 words

Dean doesn't really like Cas's boyfriend.

The fact that Cas has a boyfriend is pretty seriously fucked up--not because they're both guys, or anything, because Dean is fucking his brother, which is weirder. But Castiel is an angel, and angels shouldn't fuck anyone.

"What about you and Anna?" asks Sam.

"Anna wasn't an angel when I slept with her!" says Dean. "It doesn't count. Also, hot redhead."

Sam rolls his eyes. "Whatever. Do you want to fix Cas or not?"

"Why can't we fix him?"

"Because we're not his internet boyfriends."

"Yeah, we're legal."

Sam hands him the phone wordlessly.

Dean exhales. "Yeah, yeah, fine."

"Dr. Lance Sweets," he says.

Dean resists the urge to repeat it in a high-pitched, snooty voice. He'd deserve it.

"Hey, Sweets, it's Dean Winchester."

"Dean? Hey! I wanted to call you, but I didn't have your number. Is everything okay? I haven't heard from Cas in three days."

"Yeah, uh," Dean scratches the back of his head. "Heaven kind of ass-fucked him."


"I don't know, man! You need to talk to him."

"Is it the apocalypse?"

"Of course it's the apocalypse," says Dean. "It's always the fucking apocalypse."

"He won't talk to me," says Sweets. He sounds really young. Dean feels kind of bad.

"If we got him somewhere, would you come?" asks Dean.

"Yeah, of course! Just tell me when."

"You really love Cas?" asks Dean, kind of warily.

"Totally," says Sweets, without hesitation.

"You know he doesn't really do that, right?"

"No," says Sweets. "He does."


Sam doesn't like to admit it, but he doesn't get it either. He doesn't really see how the two of them happened, how Castiel and this FBI guy met up on the internet and found love writing gay fanfiction about him and Dean. It's the kind of thing that sounds like a romantic comedy, and no part of his and Dean's lives has ever resembled that genre before.

"Dean," says Castiel. His voice is even deeper now. It sounds pretty stupid, in Sam's opinion. "Sam." He sounds kind of surprised about the Sam part.

"Hey, Cas," says Dean.

"I hope this is important."

"Cas!" says Sweets. He sounds really excited. Sam kind of--his heart breaks for the kid, just a little. He's glad, honestly. He sometimes worries that he doesn't--that he might not understand anymore.

Castiel looks at him, and Sam feels worse. He's almost looking through him.

"Lance," he says evenly. He turns back to Dean. "What did you need?"

"I needed you to talk to your boyfriend," says Dean.

"I don't have a boyfriend," says Castiel. He's Castiel now, Sam is sure--Cas is somewhere else.

Sweets looks torn open. "What happened, Cas?" he asks, reaching out.

Castiel doesn't move away, just looks at Sweets' hand like it's an alien thing. "Nothing happened."

"You aren't acting like yourself."

"Maybe you don't know me as well as you think."

"I know you better than anyone," says Sweets, gently.

"Do you think they've had sex?" asks Dean, in a kind of reluctantly enthralled whisper.

"I don't think about it," Sam hisses, "and neither should you."

"I don't want to! But now I can't stop. It's like a fucking trainwreck, Sammy. In my brain. Like, who'd fuck who?"

"They cuddle, Dean. If you ever tell me they do anything else? I'm not fucking you ever again. Or letting you fuck me."

"Mortals cannot understand the divine plan," says Castiel.

Sweets' eyes flick to Dean and Sam. Sam wonders, suddenly, how much Sweets knows about this. If Cas told him things he hasn't told them two of them.

"I understand it," says Sweets. "I just think you should reconsider. You thought that too."

"I was mistaken," says Castiel.

"What are you guys talking about?" asks Dean. He crosses the room towards Sweets.

Sweets is about the same height as Dean, but he's a lot skinnier, and he's not a fighter. Sam's about to grab Dean's arm, but Dean shoots him a look, something like trust me, and Sam doesn't.

"What aren't you telling us, Sweets?" says Dean, taking the kid by his shirt. Sweets looks scared shitless, and Sam hopes he isn't actually scared shitless. That's happened to them once or twice, and it's beyond gross.

Dean pushes Sweets against the wall, and Sam's about to go stop him, plan or not, when he looks over at Castiel and sees--Castiel is broken open, staring with such open panic that it almost hurts Sam's heart.

"Dean--" says Castiel.

"Hey, if you aren't talking," says Dean, "maybe he will."

"I--" starts Sweets, and then Dean's flying backward, slamming into Sam and slamming both of them into the wall.

"Are you all right?" Castiel asks Sweets.

"I'm fine," says Dean, "by the way." He offers Sam a hand up.

"I'd be better if you--" Sweets starts, but then Castiel kisses him.

Sam and Dean stare.

"It's totally a trainwreck," says Dean.

"I'm gonna have nightmares," says Sam.

"Okay," says Sweets, grinning, "I'm better."

Castiel looks like he's having trouble looking away, which is--weird. It's strange to look at the guy and be able to tell he's in love.

"Can we get to why heaven bitchsmacked Cas?" asks Dean. "Cuz we're feeling kind of out of the loop here."

Castiel clears his throat. "I believe your relationship may have prevented the apocalypse."

Sam blinks. "Really?"

"Man," says Sweets, "we've got to tell Agent Booth about that one."


Somewhere in Maryland, two women are very confused.

"Where is he?" asks Lilith.

"I left him a message," Ruby grumbles. "She said he and Dean had a date."

"Aren't they brothers?"

Ruby sighs. "No one seems to care. I said it was gross and the Ruby character was hotter than Dean and I nearly got flamed off LJ."

Lilith blinks. "What?"

Ruby coughs. "Nothing."


( 38 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:04 am (UTC)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:06 am (UTC)
There are absolutely no words in the three languages I know that can describe how much I LOVE THIS.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:14 am (UTC)
*dies laughing*

Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:20 am (UTC)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:24 am (UTC)
LMAO. Best. Ending. EVER. Absolutely LOVED this.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:25 am (UTC)
YES. ♥
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:25 am (UTC)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:30 am (UTC)
I don't know how it is that you can make everything fun to read, but keep it up!
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:36 am (UTC)
Jun. 4th, 2009 04:33 am (UTC)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:39 am (UTC)


Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:43 am (UTC)
I may have hurt myself laughing!
Jun. 3rd, 2009 04:03 am (UTC)
Oh man, this is my favorite fic series EVER. <3
Jun. 3rd, 2009 04:21 am (UTC)
*claps hands* OMG, this serious is so adorably hilarious! I have never read anything that has ever gotten me squeeing AND laughing my ass off to quite this extent. Awesome job!
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:28 am (UTC)
Heh - I love this series.

He doesn't really see how the two of them happened, how Castiel and this FBI guy met up on the internet and found love writing gay fanfiction about him and Dean.

I don't know why Sam can't see it, it's so obvious... heh.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:29 am (UTC)
haha epic win!
Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:50 am (UTC)
I'm generally not a Sam/Dean girl, but I am utterly in love with this series. The image of Ruby and Lilith stewing in that convent, tapping their feet and checking their watches, is gonna have me giggling for DAYS.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 07:06 am (UTC)

You kind of own my soul.. just so you know. Im not really even into the whole wincest thing.. but you just crack me up and melt my heart.. so I have to read what you write. And omg.. Sweets/Castiel is the craziest but most perfect nonsenical awesomeness ever!

And seriously? Amazing ending! :D
Jun. 3rd, 2009 08:26 am (UTC)
This little 'verse is so crack and really fun - and an ending that's both happy and meta always makes me happy.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 08:39 am (UTC)
*flaps* how is this so awesome? i dont even know. but it IS. :D i think i like your ending better than erics.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 12:10 pm (UTC)

Jun. 3rd, 2009 12:22 pm (UTC)
... love.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 01:16 pm (UTC)
Jun. 3rd, 2009 01:52 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahahahaha *claps*
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:32 pm (UTC)
I love this.
Jun. 3rd, 2009 05:20 pm (UTC)
LOL This just kept getting better and better all the way through! Amazing and so awesomely funny :D
Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:10 pm (UTC)
Awww! Loved it!
Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:26 pm (UTC)

You win.
This is the first Sam/Dean fic that I've read that I've liked... And I love the idea that Ruby is on LJ.

*high five*
Jun. 4th, 2009 01:01 am (UTC)
The only word that comes to mind is awesome. This verse just gets better and better.
Jun. 4th, 2009 03:10 am (UTC)
Ruby sighs. "No one seems to care. I said it was gross and the Ruby character was hotter than Dean and I nearly got flamed off LJ."

Lilith blinks. "What?"

Ruby coughs. "Nothing."

Lol! :D
Jun. 4th, 2009 04:36 am (UTC)
Awesome does not beginning to cover the awesomesauce that is this fic. I think this is one of the few (read:only) situation I've ever seen where gay incest (and inapporiate angelic/mortal relations) saved the world. Good times!
Jun. 4th, 2009 09:55 am (UTC)
"how Castiel and this FBI guy met up on the internet and found love writing gay fanfiction about him and Dean."

"Ruby sighs. "No one seems to care. I said it was gross and the Ruby character was hotter than Dean and I nearly got flamed off LJ."

Was drinking tea... so glad none was in my mouth when ir ead tehse. ROFL! Loved this!!
Jun. 5th, 2009 07:40 am (UTC)
I just love this verse. With all the strange, twisted pieces of my heart. Sweets/Cas, Mike/Misha--how is it that you find the crackiest pairings and make them the mother of all OTPs?? XD
Mar. 14th, 2010 04:51 am (UTC)
I just wanted to say I LOVE this verse. I only recently started watching Bones, and I remembered an awesome Bones/SPN crossover I read before I really started using LJ. I finally find it and the moment I realised u wrote it I was so happy! I'm a fairly new LJ user and I guessI'm kind of a a lurker, but I adore all your fic, and when I actually find sequels - you just made me so happy! So sorry for ranting at you, I just wanted to say thanks - and that was the best ending ever!
May. 12th, 2011 01:28 am (UTC)
Poor Sam, his belief system from So Totally Canon just got blown out of the water. The ending was absolutely hilarious, and the part right before the ending was kind of adorable, and Sam and Dean going "OH GOD I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT" was mostly just awesome. So, y'know, this was cracktastic and serious at the same time which I didn't think should be possible and is on of the greatest things ever. Even more winning of the internets!!!
Oct. 13th, 2011 03:42 am (UTC)
Their relationship prevented the apocolypse? How did I not see that before?! It totally would!!!
Jun. 8th, 2012 04:30 am (UTC)
They were all great!
( 38 comments — Leave a comment )