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Jan. 2nd, 2010

just one pair of clean socks
My first post for 2010! This here is a very silly college AU about Jared deciding to sell his virginity on eBay, and Jensen not being super pumped about that. Chances are good this will set the tone for my year.

Hanging Around, Just In Case
J2, 1700 words, PG-13.


God hates Jensen. There is no other explanation for one Jared Padalecki--Jensen's best friend since starting college, who he's unfortunately totally in love with--coming into his room on a Friday afternoon and saying, "So I think I'm going to sell my virginity on eBay."

If Jensen had been drinking anything, he would have spewed it all over his laptop and totally fried it, so maybe God only really dislikes him. Small blessings. "What?" asks Jensen.

"People do that," says Jared mildly.

"Yeah, crazy people," says Jensen.

"Desperate people!" Jared corrects. "And I am desperate."

"To lose your virginity?" asks Jensen. "Cuz you know I'm always there for you, man."

"In my heart my ass cherry will always belong to you," Jared says, sighing. "But it's not actually that."

"Seriously, what possible reason do you have for selling yourself on eBay?"

"Mountain Goats."

"Are you high? Did you let Misha give you another brownie?"

"No," says Jared, glaring. "Okay, so, my friend Chad?"

"Oh, Chad," says Jensen, suddenly understanding a lot more. Chad is Jared's best friend from high school. Jensen has never actually met the guy, but he's heard enough stories that he's pretty sure "Chad" is synonymous with "bad idea."

"Yeah, he's at college in Washington, right? And they're having this totally awesome music festival out there, and, like, seriously. Mountain Goats, Decemberists, Flaming Lips--I need to be there."

Jensen stares in mute horror. "Are you seriously planning to whore yourself out to the internet for concert tickets?"

"Dude," says Jared. "Mountain Goats."

Jensen's entire life is suffering.

*

"You know this is illegal, right?" asks Jensen.

"Shhh," says Jared, pulling off his shirt. He's ripped. Like--God, Jensen's life. Jensen's life is terrible. "Should I flex?" He does a muscle-man pose, arms bent at the elbows, fists in the air. It's ridiculous, it's unsexy, and Jensen still wants to lick him.

"Uh," says Jensen. "No."

"Should I take off my pants?"

"No."

"I could lie on the bed. Like, the sexy way."

"What's the sexy way?" Jensen asks. He's kind of horrified to find out.

Jared stretches out and gives Jensen this look that is clearly supposed to be smoldering and alluring, but which is mostly kind of squinty and weird.

"Yeah," says Jensen. "That's perfect. Just like that."

Jared runs his hand up and down his stomach--really toned, really awesome stomach--and Jensen takes a few more pictures while his hand is in motion and blurry.

Jensen might have to help with this totally crazy plan, but he is going to do his best to sabotage it at every turn.

"Okay," says Jared. "Pictures done. What am I going to say in the actual, like, thing?"

"The thing?"

"Description."

"Why am I helping with this?" Jensen grumbles, turning around to plug his camera into his laptop.

"Because you're my best friend and you love me," says Jared, wrapping his arms around Jensen and resting his chin on Jensen's head.

"Right, duh," says Jensen, rolling his eyes. He sighs. "What exactly are you selling?"

"My virginity," says Jared. "First time!"

"I think that's more of a draw for girls," says Jensen, pretending that the idea of being Jared's first--and, hopefully, only--isn't really, really appealing. "I meant, like. Is this for guys? Are they gonna do you? Or for girls, or...?"

Jared shrugs. "I figure I'll just give it up to whoever wants it."

"Yeah, right," Jensen says under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing."

*

My name's JP, I'm 19, I'm a sophomore in college, and I really want to go to this music concert, but I don't have any money. So I figure if girls can do this whole selling their virginity on eBay thing, I can too. That's what equality's all about, right?

So, yeah. I am 6'5", in good shape, and a virgin. If you bid, I will have sex with you. Whatever sex you want to have. I'm bisexual, I'm open to some kinky stuff, and you can e-mail me with questions.


*

"You are gonna get AIDS," says Aldis.

"Or stabbed," says Danneel.

"Maybe there's blood on the knife, and that blood has AIDS, and you get stabbed and then get AIDS," Aldis continues.

"I am not going to get AIDS or stabbed."

"Some guy might stab you with his dick," says Danneel cheerfully.

"Can we not refer to my preferred form of intercourse as stabbing?" asks Jensen. "I like gay sex."

"The record shows that Jensen's gayness is well-documented," says Aldis.

"Since when are you bi?" asks Danneel, giving Jared a shrewd look. Jensen is also kind of curious about this--last time he checked (not that he keeps obsessive tabs on Jared's sexuality or anything) Jared was "kind of bi-curious, maybe?"

"Guys are hot," says Jared, shrugging. "And my mom told me over Christmas that if I wanted to date that nice Jensen boy, it was fine with her."

This time Jensen is drinking, and he does spew. Luckily, he's not on his laptop, so he just spits Coke on Aldis.

"Dude!" says Aldis.

Jared thumps Jensen on the back as he tries to regain his ability to breathe. "Anyway, yeah, mom's okay with me liking guys," he tells Danneel. "So I figure I can go over to totally bi." He grins at Jensen. "You okay?"

"Your mom thinks we're dating?"

"No, my mom wants us to date. She thinks you're sweet."

"Clearly she hasn't met him," says Danneel cheerfully.

"Shut up. I'm delightful," Jensen mutters.

"Anyway," says Jared, "it's not like I'm going to tell my mom I'm selling myself on eBay."

"You know the reason you knew this was an option was that these stories got kind of big," Aldis says. "Like, you know, news."

Jared shrugs. "I'm not worried."

"So when are you gonna put it up?" asks Danneel.

Jared stretches and cracks his neck. "Probably next week. I've got a psych midterm on Wednesday, I don't want to be worrying about this on top of that."

"Yeah, god forbid school distract you from whoring yourself out on the internet," says Aldis.

Jared gives him the finger. "You're just jealous you're not hot enough for anyone to want to buy your assginity."

"Never use that word again," says Danneel.

"Assginity," says Jared promptly. "Assginity, assginity, ass--"

Danneel smacks him in the back of his head.

Jensen sometimes wonders why he's in love with Jared in the first place. But then Jared flashes him a grin, small and sheepish, and Jensen remembers, oh, yeah.

*

Most of Jensen's time isn't actually taken up with Jared's theoretical internet-whoring. He studies, he plays guitar for Chris's band two hours a day, he hangs out with Jared and Aldis and Danneel.

But his brain keeps cycling back to Jared's eBay scheme.

"You could just buy him," Danneel suggests.

"That would be so skeevy. And awkward. And I don't have enough cash to pay for his ticket and--no!" says Jensen. "I am not buying my best friend's assginity."

"We are still not using that word," says Danneel.

"I just have to accept that Jared would rather sell himself online than sleep with me."

"That's not actually what Jared's choosing," Danneel points out, maddeningly rational. "Does he know you're an option?"

"I'm gay," says Jensen. "I'm single. Why would I not be an option?"

"He's bi, he's single. Why is he not an option?"

Jensen glares at her. "Stop using logic against me."

Danneel pats him on the head. "I know, I know. Battle of wits, unarmed opponent--"

"Shut up."

*

The week goes by, and Jared doesn't post his ad on eBay. And then another week goes by, and he still doesn't, and Jensen gets confused.

Finally, he just gives up. "What happened to your eBay scheme?" he asks.

Jared laughs quietly. "It didn't work."

"You didn't do it," says Jensen, confused. "Or--did they yank it? Not approve it?"

"I was never going to post it, Jensen. It was--a stupid idea. Chad thought--well, it was stupid."

Jensen is totally lost. "Chad thought what?"

Jared huffs another laugh. "Chad thought if I threatened to sell myself online, you would be overcome by jealousy, swoop in to save my honor, and we'd have gay sex ever after." He rolls his eyes when he sees Jensen staring. "Chad has a way with words."

"He, uh--what?"

"Sorry, I wasn't--you're my best friend, and you're awesome, and I don't want everything to be awkward, so I wasn't going to tell you, so Chad came up with a dumb plan so I c--"

Jensen leans in and kisses him, goes in the middle of the word so Jared's mouth is already open, and Jared adapts to it in seconds, kissing him back eagerly.

"Dude," Jensen starts, "I wasn't--"

"Less talking, more kissing," says Jared, pulling Jensen into his lap.

"Stupidest plan ever," Jensen manages, before Jared kisses him again.

"Worked," Jared points out. "Kind of."

"Less talking, more kissing," says Jensen.

Jared seems okay with that.

*

"So he just gave you his assginity for free?" asks Aldis. "I thought it was worth something."

"Aldis, I will cut you," says Danneel.

"Will the knife have blood on it?" asks Jared, perking up. "Will he get AIDS?"

"Jared's assginity is priceless," says Jensen.

"That's very sweet of you to say," says Aldis. "That's the kind of romance that signals a life-long bond."

"You're just jealous you don't get my assginity."

"I like women," says Aldis.

"Women have assginity too," says Jared.

"Why do you guys hate me?" asks Danneel.

"It's a perfectly good word," says Jensen.

"Your aversion to it is irrational," Jared continues.

"We're helping," says Aldis.

Danneel gives them the finger.

"So was there actually a music festival?" asks Aldis. "Or was that all part of your crafty scheme to get into Jensen's pants?"

"It exists," says Jared. "But I'd rather spend spring break hanging out with my boyfriend anyway."

Jensen tells himself he is not grinning like an idiot, but Danneel and Aldis have already told him he's been grinning like an idiot non-stop since he and Jared hooked up.

"And, as a bonus, a stranger isn't going to kill you," says Aldis.

"Yeah," says Jared. "I guess that's kind of cool too."

"But not like having a boyfriend," says Danneel.

Jared beams at Jensen. "Yeah, not quite that good."

Comments

( 89 comments — Leave a comment )
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z3s_keep_going
Jan. 3rd, 2010 04:51 am (UTC)
hahaha this is the best thing ever. good way to start the year!
rivers_bend
Jan. 3rd, 2010 04:57 am (UTC)
This? is awesome. And you always manage to make me seriously freaking jealous that Jensen gets Danneel and I don't. I want one of my very own.
chickenfried_jo
Jan. 3rd, 2010 04:58 am (UTC)
"Some guy might stab you with his dick," says Danneel cheerfully.

"Can we not refer to my preferred form of intercourse as stabbing?" asks Jensen. "I like gay sex."

"The record shows that Jensen's gayness is well-documented," says Aldis.


BWAH! Brilliant. I love you...er, I mean, it. I love it, the story, yeah.
swing_set13
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:00 am (UTC)
LOLz...Chad...even long distance your influence is strong...awesome!
jillsjourney
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:08 am (UTC)
2010 is going to be awesome.
leodragon1
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:22 am (UTC)
Ha ha ha ha! *dies*

2010 is going to be fun.
helenahndbskt
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:24 am (UTC)

silly, oblivious boys are some of my faaaavorites! Oh Jensen, how messed up do you have to be to not even live up to Chad's expectations?
neros_violin
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:25 am (UTC)
I approve of this start to the New Year. :)
quiet000001
Jan. 7th, 2010 03:30 am (UTC)
I also approve.

(In addition, I approve of the icon, for it is both hot and amusing.)
sonicbookmark
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:28 am (UTC)
Assginity is my new favorite word.
lady_bee_i
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:31 am (UTC)
As always you write the most adorable boys ever! The affection is so simple and sweet and sure... awwwwwwww! But most importantly, hilarious! Scheming Jared and disheartned Jensen...

Thank you, sweetheart! I loved it.
enablelove
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:32 am (UTC)
Oh god, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

LOVE THIS
elizardbits
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:34 am (UTC)
"Jared's assginity is priceless," says Jensen.

I LAUGHED I CRIED

GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD
logans_mom00
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:34 am (UTC)
That was delightful! Your boys are terrific, as always, but I love, love, LOVE that you included Dani and Aldis!!
ancastar
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:36 am (UTC)
Your fics always make me giggle like a mad thing. Thanks for starting 2010 off on the right foot.
wizened_cynic
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:47 am (UTC)
So far, this has been the BEST thing about 2010. So much love for everyone and Jared's assginity.
sadcypress
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:48 am (UTC)
ASSGINITY.

leslieo54
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:53 am (UTC)
Seriously, great start to the new year. Of course Jared's not going to give his assginity to anyone but Jensen! That would be wrong...
bonniebb
Jan. 3rd, 2010 05:53 am (UTC)
What a great start to 2010 for us all!
untitleddemo
Jan. 3rd, 2010 06:03 am (UTC)
You know when you're in a mood and you read something and are you're like, This is just what I needed! That's how I felt about this. Reading it made me feel good. Thank you for being fun, Chashi. ♥

ps; the keywords for this icon are mountain goat lyrics, holla!
build_the_moon
Jan. 3rd, 2010 06:08 am (UTC)
AMAZING.
matalinolukaret
Jan. 3rd, 2010 06:16 am (UTC)
Oh god, I'm gonna be using assginity tomorrow in spoken language. In insane amounts.

BUWAHAHA. ♥
gypsy_atavari
Jan. 3rd, 2010 06:29 am (UTC)
You come up with the best crack! If this is what the rest of the year is like - I'm stoked. :-) Happy New Year! :)
essene
Jan. 3rd, 2010 06:31 am (UTC)
*giggles* GAWD now I want to make an icon that says "assginity"
juice817
Jan. 3rd, 2010 06:37 am (UTC)
This is even more awesome than I thought it would be! ♥
locknkey
Jan. 3rd, 2010 06:44 am (UTC)
This was adorable. :0 Each voice was distinct and I actually laughed out loud at this:

"Yeah, god forbid school distract you from whoring yourself out on the internet," says Aldis.

Jared gives him the finger. "You're just jealous you're not hot enough for anyone to want to buy your assginity."

"Never use that word again," says Danneel.

"Assginity," says Jared promptly. "Assginity, assginity, ass--"

Danneel smacks him in the back of his head.



Looks like there's a lot to look forward to this year.
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just one pair of clean socks
longsufferingly
it made us kind of happy and kept me off of drugs

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