spoilers for 107
"Man, I was this close to hooking up with a bridesmaid," says Hardison.
"Fake bridesmaid," Eliot points out. He grabs Hardison a soda and tosses it over. "Also fake hookup. Pretty much everything about this whole scenario? Was the girl you're crushing on being a pathological liar."
"Yeah," says Hardison, "but you're missing the point."
"Oh, I'm missing the point."
"Look, she didn't say she was going to meet the chef or the minister."
"He's a minister. Who has a quickie with the minister?"
"Sophie wanted to have a quickie with the minister."
Eliot snorts. "Sophie wants to marry the minister. Did you miss that whole subplot?"
"Look, we're getting away from the point."
"And the point is that the criminally unbalanced chick lied about sleeping with you instead of anyone else."
"And that you told her she looked hot in her fugly bridesmaid dress."
"Maybe you're criminally unbalanced."
"I am a criminal. Look, bottom line. You think she's into me?"
Eliot looks at him. "Parker."
"Yes, Parker," says Hardison. "Did you miss this entire conversation?"
"Do I think the crazy pyromaniac thief is into you?"
"See, this is what happens when you solve all your problems with violence. You start getting all judgmental, making fun of people's feelings."
"That's not why. Look, I don't know if Parker. Does she even like guys? Or, I dunno, people?"
"She said she wanted to have sex with me."
"She said she pretended she was going to have sex with you so we could scam a mob boss."
Eliot sighs. "Okay, you know what? I'll feel her out for you. See how she seems."
Hardison grins. "Thanks, man, I owe you one. And, hey, if this doesn't work out? We can still get fat, get a comic shop."
Eliot stares at him. "I honestly don't know which one would be worse."
"So," says Eliot. "Parker."
Parker narrows her eyes at him. "What."
"What about Hardison?"
"You and him."
"What about us?"
"You two ever. You ever think. You, uh."
Parker continues staring at him with her eyes narrowed.
"You like him?"
Parker cocks her head.
"God, it's like being a middle school girl," mutters Eliot.
"What about him?"
"I like parts of him."
"He's useful in some situations."
Eliot breathes a sigh of relief.
"Also, he has nice arms."
"Jesus, I don't need to hear this," says Eliot.
"Then why were you asking?"
"I'm never helping you again," says Eliot. "Man, liberating Croatia wasn't that scary."
"What'd she say? Come on, man, don't hold out on me here."
"She likes your arms and thinks you're useful in some situations."
"She--man, what's that even mean? What do I do with that."
"I dunno! It's not like I told you to fall for the psycho chick. I told you not to. I said: Hardison, Parker is crazy. Don't go there. And I still helped you. And now I'm through. You're on your own."
"Aww, come on, don't be like that. I can't ask Nate to be my wingman!"
"I'm not your wingman!"
"You think I should buy her some lock picks?"
"She likes lock picks."
Eliot sighs. "Have you ever had a girlfriend?"
"Uh. I've had, you know. I've known some girls. Who are my friends."
Eliot rubs his forehead. "If I ever," he says, "have to give her a note where she circles if she likes you yes or no? I am out."
"Okay," says Hardison. Then, "Wait, do you think that would work, cuz I'm willing to try pretty much anything at this point."
"Hardison, I can kill you with my bare hands."
"Okay, okay. You got a better idea?"
"God, you're like the annoying little brother I never wanted."
"That's very touching. Do you want to hug now, or after I get a date?"
"After. A lot after. Like. Never, maybe."
"You know, I think you're just repressed. In your feeling places."
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No. No. I want you to help me."
"Okay, good. So let's stop talking about my feeling places, okay?"
"No feelings. Got it."
"Good," says Eliot. He nods once, to himself. "I'm gonna need a lot of booze for this."
"We talking regular person a lot or Nate a lot?"
Eliot looks at Hardison. Then he thinks about Parker. He closes his eyes. "Better make it Nate a lot."