Pairing: Sweets/Castiel, Sam/Dean.
Rating: NOT APPROPRIATE FOR ANYONE.
Warnings: Meta, horribleness.
Word Count: 1860.
Summary: In which there is bowling. And poetry.
Notes: Spoilers for Supernatural 418 and...I don't think there are actually spoilers for Bones 420. I thought there were but I guess I failed at putting them in. Follows omg otp!!1!, Mutual Fangirling, and But What Are Your Thoughts On Yaoi.
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.
"Okay, Sweets," says Agent Booth, storming in without knocking. Sweets barely has time to minimize his LiveJournal. Not that Agent Booth would recognize it, but it's the principle of the thing. Of course, his desktop is a picture of him and Cas having frozen yogurt at the park, and that might not be better.
"Good afternoon, Agent Booth, Dr. Brennan."
"Look, we need a tie-breaker."
"All right, what can I do for you?"
"Gay incest: gross or not gross?"
"I think it's worth noting that this is specifically between consenting adults," interjects Dr. Brennan.
"Who are brothers. Which is gross."
"There's a world of difference between incest between brothers who are both of legal age and brothers who enter into a sexual relationship as children or adolescents. Not that a relationship between adolescent brothers is necessarily unhealthy, but the chances are much higher."
"Are you even hearing this? Sweets, come on, back me up! Gay incest is never okay."
Sweets cocks his head. "Are you talking about Sam and Dean?"
Dr. Brennan says, "Yes," at the same time Agent Booth says, "Wait, you know Sam and Dean?"
"I can't speak for all instances of incestuous homosexuality," says Sweets cautiously, "but in the specific case of Sam and Dean I have to admit that I ship it."
Agent Booth stares at him. "You what?"
Sweets coughs. "Approve. I approve of it. As a theoretical concept."
"Well, Bones approves of it so much she hooked them up. What do you think about that?" asks Agent Booth.
"She hooked them up? Sam/Dean is canon?" He realizes a second after he says it that this was the wrong thing. "I mean. They're together?"
"They were always together. But Booth pointed out that they seemed closer than other siblings and I gave Sam a push in the right direction."
"The wrong direction," Agent Booth mutters.
"I told them we'd go out with them," says Dr. Brennan. "You should come."
"You want me to come out with you and Sam and Dean?"
"You know," says Agent Booth, "you never said how you know them. You know they're felons, right?"
"They're, um," says Sweets. "They're friends with my boyfriend."
"Wait, back up," says Agent Booth. "Your boyfriend?"
"Yes," says Sweets. "I'm in a non-incestuous homosexual relationship. Do you have a problem with that, Agent Booth?"
"No, no! I just--what about Daisy?"
Sweets flushes. "We broke up. I'm sure you're familiar with breakups."
"You should invite your boyfriend," says Dr. Brennan. "I'm sure Dean would feel less awkward with a friend around."
"I dunno about that, Bones, they might not be ready to tell their friends that they're gay for each other."
"But Sweets knows. He has an obligation to tell his boyfriend what he knows."
"I'm sure Cas already knows," Sweets interjects. He does not add because he is an angel who spends most of his time spying on them. It seems unnecessary. Besides, then Dr. Brennan would just spend the entire date trying to prove he didn't exist.
"Cas? You're dating a guy named Cas? Where did you meet?"
Sweets looks away. "Online."
"Okay, this I gotta see," says Agent Booth.
"We're going bowling," says Dr. Brennan proudly.
"All right," says Sweets. "I'll tell Cas."
Sweets had been--concerned to discover himself developing feelings for his internet penpal. He's had a number of LJ friends during his time in the Temperance Brennan fandom, because while there are some crazies, he finds them to be primarily nice people with an appreciation for literature and the obvious sexual tension that exists between Dr. Brennan and Agent Booth.
But he'd never been interested in meeting any of them. Not that he has such an inflated ego that he thinks he's recognizable, but meeting someone from his fandom seemed to cross an unforgivable line.
Cas had broken through all his defenses, and he found himself not only attached but attracted, and unable to keep his true identity secret. When he hadn't responded to his confession of his true identity, Sweets had been sure it was over, he'd ruined it. He thought he'd imagined the reciprocity he'd sensed on Cas's side, and despaired of all his choices. He'd been stupid, he was going to get outed, and he'd broken up with his girlfriend for nothing.
Then a man in a trench coat had materialized in his office.
"Lance Sweets," he said, in grave tone.
"I don't know who you are," said Sweets, "but I'm calling security."
"I am Castiel," he said. Then, "Cas." Then, "Deansangel34."
The man--possibly Castiel--looked down. "I, too, was not entirely truthful. Or I was, but no one would believe me. I am an Angel of the Lord. Dean and Sam Winchester are real. The apocalypse is coming."
There had been a long pause.
"The apocalypse is coming and you're writing porn?" asked Sweets.
Castiel sighed. "My fanbase was very demanding."
That startled a laugh out of him. "Yeah, they can be like that."
Castiel smiled, very slightly. "I'm afraid I don't have any proof I can offer you. Except--"
Sweets had to admit, the wings were pretty awesome.
me: Hey, Cas, you there?
Sent at 4:56 on Tuesday
Cas: bbl seal
me: kk good luck honey
Sent at 5:07 PM on Tuesday
Sent at 11:34 on Tuesday
the Winchesters are much better as a team now that they're a couple
me: Awesome :D
Dr. Brennan wants us to come bowling with her and Agent Booth and Sam and Dean
me: Apparently she's the one that hooked them up
Cas: did Dean and Sam agree to this?
me: I guess they agreed to go out with B&B. I don't know if they know we're coming.
Cas: I have never bowled.
me: First time for everything!
Cas: is this important to you?
me: I guess so
Cas: then I will go
"So Castiel is coming bowling," says Sam.
"Does he know how to bowl?"
"How would I know?"
"Maybe his boyfriend is teaching him."
"You know," says Sam, raising his eyebrows, "saying boyfriend like that just makes me think you're jealous."
"I just think it's weird," says Dean. "Don't you think it's weird? I mean, he's an angel."
"I'm fucking my brother," Sam points out. "I'm not really in a position to judge."
"Shut up," mutters Dean.
"Dr. Brennan, Agent Booth, this is my boyfriend, Cas."
On the scale of weird things Sam Winchester has seen in his life, he thinks that watching Seeley Booth shake hands with Castiel while clearly trying to determine if he's good enough to date his therapist is at least top three. Surprisingly, it's weirder than seeing Castiel and Lance holding hands, which mostly just makes him think of little kids who are "dating". Because they look so young and fresh and innocent, and as far as he's concerned, holding hands for those two is, like, third base. And home plate is a peck on the cheek. And they never go any farther than that with their physical relationship. That's Sam's belief system, and he's sticking to it.
"It's nice to meet you," says Dr. Brennan. "Sweets said you met on the internet. What dating service are you a part of?"
Sam chokes a little. Castiel starts to respond, but Lance cuts him off with, "Match.com."
"That's not ideal for someone of your intellect. I could give y--"
"You know what, Bones, he doesn't need any dating advice, he's already got a boyfriend."
"We're very happy together," says Castiel, and he looks happy, which is kind of a surprise for Sam, because he's so used to Castiel just looking like a deer in headlights.
"So, what do you do, Cas?" asks Booth.
"He's a hunter," says Dean quickly.
"Yes," agrees Castiel.
"How'd he find out about that one?"
Sam is already getting a migraine from this. They aren't supposed to have to lie this much on a date night. Well, not when they're dating each other.
"The same way you found out about Sam and Dean, I assume," says Sweets.
"You tried to arrest him for setting fire to a body but before you could the spirit attacked you?" asks Dr. Brennan.
"Well," says Sweets, faltering. "I accidentally saw him working a case."
"Small world," says Sam, trying to be helpful.
Dean claps his hands. "So, bowling! Who wants shoes?"
Cas is drunk.
"He's never had beer?" Sweets hisses at Dean.
"He's an angel! When would he have beer?"
"Lance wrote me a poem," Cas says to Agent Booth conspiratorially.
Agent Booth looks like he's died and gone to heaven. This is, Sweets guesses, kind of appropriate, since he's talking to an angel. "A poem. Really?"
"You don't happen to remember this sonnet, do you?"
Castiel grins shakily. Sweets wants to find it cute, but he's pretty terrified. Agent Booth will never let him live this down. Dean looks kind of horrified. He clearly wants to be anywhere else, but Sam and Dr. Brennan are talking about the possible skeletal variations that long-term demonic possession might cause in humans, and Dean clearly doesn't want to hear that either.
"God created a world of perfect things," says Castiel, from memory. Sweets isn't sure if he's blushing because his boyfriend remembers his poetry, or because he's gotten drunk and started reciting it to his coworkers. Probably both. "And most perfect of all to me is you."
"Please kill me now," says Sweets to Dean. "I know you could."
"Trust me, man, I'm tempted."
"Just thinking of you, it's like I have wings," Cas continues, "And like we could fly far away, we two."
Dean pats him on the back as his head hits the table.
"That could have been worse," says Sam.
"You're just saying that because you didn't hear Castiel recite poetry that his boyfriend wrote him."
Sam considers this. "Yeah, okay, point."
"I thought that went very well," says Bones.
"Are you kidding?" asks Booth. "That was the best date ever. I already set up another one with Cas."
"Bones, Sweets wrote him poetry."
"That's a commonly accepted romantic gesture."
"Yeah, but it's Sweets. And his internet boyfriend."
"The internet is a valid social network."
"Do you not get how awesome this is?"
"I'm very happy Sweets found a partner you approve of."
"Yes, that's exactly what's awesome."
"I can't believe you performed my poem for Agent Booth. Twice," says Sweets.
"Was that wrong?" asks Cas.
"He's never going to let me forget it."
"I will never forget it," says Cas. "No one has ever written me a poem. I was . . . very touched."
"Oh," says Sweets.
"I enjoy sharing it."
"Oh," says Sweets.
"Do you think we should incorporate this date into our fic?"
Sweets grins. "Man, I love you."