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Nov. 19th, 2009

I don't do episode reactions, I do codas.


The Girl You Would've Married
Dean/Jo-ish, Dean/Sam-ish, second person, 450 words.


In another life, she would've lived down the street--braided pigtails and overalls, missing teeth from scuffles with the older boys, scraped knees. A story out of a teen movie. She always would've followed you around, her and Sam, and you wouldn't have ever noticed her until someday long after puberty, after you'd fucked a thousand other girls, she'd suddenly stand out. Maybe like in the movies, she would've come down the stairs, dressed up for a dance, beautiful gown and hair styled to all hell, and you'd suddenly realize--but no.

Better if she kept on wearing jeans and leather jackets, smelling like dirt, hair in loose ponytails.

Better if you just looked up one day and knew.

*

It's a fairy tale somewhere: boy meets girl, girl saves herself, happily ever after.

But you've always tended to the more traditional fairy tales. The one where the girl dissolves, or gets ripped to shreds, and you don't love her enough to bring her back.

*

You thought about her sometimes. Not like--not like you thought about most girls, hand under the blankets, in the shower, whenever Sam wasn't around. But real thinking, wondering how she was doing, wondering what she'd say if you called.

You should have. You're going to look back when you're old--if you're old--and have regrets about her.

You're going to wonder if there's something more broken in you than you realized. If you missed your only chance.

*

Some kids, they never have any love in their lives. They grow up in families where their parents fight all the time, cheating and divorce and hearings.

You wonder if maybe you had too much love, if you have inescapably high standards. If there is no one you will ever love as much as your brother because you don't know how.

*

You could have loved her.

You want to have loved her.

But deep down, you know how you are when you really love a person.

*

In another world, you have three kids, two girls and a boy, and you have Sam over ever Sunday for dinner. Maybe he's married too--to Jess, or to Madison, or to a girl you never got the chance to meet--and your kids all play together.

Maybe your mom and dad are alive too.

As long as you're dreaming.

*

In this world, you wake up, and Sam is in the next bed, and that's what matters to you.

Other things matter too, but never as much.

In this world, Death is out there, and Lucifer is not dead, and there is an earth to be saved. In this world, you have to get out of bed and move.

Somewhere far away, you are happy.

Here, you are waking up, and you are driving.

Comments

( 73 comments — Leave a comment )
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eilan
Nov. 20th, 2009 03:44 am (UTC)
Oh. That was heartbreaking.
matalinolukaret
Nov. 20th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC)
*clutches heart* Dean. That's all I really can say.
fluttering
Nov. 20th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC)
I'm going to miss Jo. Just. So sad. :(
tigriswolf
Nov. 20th, 2009 03:50 am (UTC)
This is gorgeous.
angelwatcher17
Nov. 20th, 2009 03:54 am (UTC)
Ok....I cried during the show....and now you have made me cry again....so lovely and painful!!!
danegen
Nov. 20th, 2009 04:07 am (UTC)
Thank you.
twilight_wish
Nov. 20th, 2009 04:11 am (UTC)
Wow.
Just... wow.
gwenknight
Nov. 20th, 2009 04:14 am (UTC)
Okay, my heart just broke for the second time tonight. But now, whenever I think about what happened in Dean's world on SPN tonight, this will be a part of it. Wonderful work.
beckaandzac
Nov. 20th, 2009 04:23 am (UTC)
THANKS CHASH. I REALLY NEEDED TO START CRYING AGAIN. :(

(that's a compliment. i'm sorry if it's hard to tell.)
dmlpacker
Nov. 20th, 2009 04:46 am (UTC)
First, this line is so amazingly geniuine:

Better if she kept on wearing jeans and leather jackets, smelling like dirt, hair in loose ponytails.

Better if you just looked up one day and knew.


Second, if I tear up anymore tonight, my eyes are gonna swell up like cupcakes.
chemm80
Nov. 20th, 2009 05:08 am (UTC)
Incredible. Loved it.
heidi8
Nov. 20th, 2009 05:11 am (UTC)
Oh, God, just...

Oh, Harvelles. And Winchesters. This was gorgeous.
earthquakedream
Nov. 20th, 2009 05:42 am (UTC)
Ohh, way to make me cry AGAIN.
whitereflection
Nov. 20th, 2009 06:06 am (UTC)
Ohhh. ♥ T___T That just goes right to where the ache's been since I watched, and settles itself right inside it.
alasse
Nov. 20th, 2009 06:12 am (UTC)
EXTRAORDINARY.
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( 73 comments — Leave a comment )